I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
