When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
This house was built for laser tag.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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