i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
