I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
