omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
