i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
