remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
