Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
