I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
