He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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