i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
