And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
