Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
