I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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