I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
