so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
