we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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