k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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