I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
