I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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