I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
