my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Four minutes until I can fart!
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
