we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
