You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
