I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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