Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
