Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
