matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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