I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
