sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
