I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I need a burrito and a hug.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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