My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
