New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
