dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
