I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
