I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
