my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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