i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
