This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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