Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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