I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
