I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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