i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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