just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
