Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
