No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
