I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
