I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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