3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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