so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
