I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Randomize
