lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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